Polyamory: The Throuple Next Door

Judging by the number of recent mainstream magazine articles about it, Polyamory is the next big battle in the war on traditional marriage. Polyamory is “the practise of, or desire for, romantic relationship with more than one partner at a time, with the informed consent of all partners involved.” According to the Wall Street Journal: “open relationships are having a moment.” The Economist says polyamory is getting “ a sliver of legal recognition in America” and that the polyamorous are “searching for rights in a monogamous world.” Remember when these magazines were about finances ? They are right about one thing. It is primarily a monogamous world, with much of humanity throughout much of history seeing the lifelong union of one man and one woman as the norm or at least an ideal to shoot for, rather than an idea to shoot at. But as we all know, shots are being fired at anything that suggests the traditional view of marriage is normative and this is just the latest salvo.

In the New Yorker article, How Did Polyamory Become So Popular ? Jennifer Wilson says: “ Everywhere you turn the door couples closed behind them when they enter the sanctum of matrimony is being left ajar.” Well, maybe not everywhere, although it may feel like that in New York or Hollywood. In the modern version of Riverdale, Archie, Veronica, Jughead, and Betty are a “romantic quad.” Not sure about Moose. I hope he married Midge and has lots of kids, but he could be doing drag shows at Pop’s Diner for all I know. I left comics behind when I was 13. Even the innocuous HGTV show Househunters featured a “throuple” in one episode. Their biggest concern was finding a bathroom vanity with three sinks. Seriously. You can’t make this stuff up. I think the key word in Wilson’s quote is sanctum. That is a particularly Christian word connected to the biblical concept of a sacred union. It has the same root as the word sanctuary. Once marriage is disconnected from God and lifelong union producing children, it become a DIY project. You can make it whatever you want. That is how a lot of people see it now. 51% of Americans under the age of thirty see “open” marriage as morally acceptable. Proverbs 29:18 says: “ Where there is no revelation, people cast off restraint; but blessed are those who heed wisdom’s instruction.” This is just one aspect of life where people are casting off what scripture says in favor of their own ideas. It is happening wholesale. The jury is still out on how wise this course of action is, but I’m putting my money on the ancient wisdom of the Bible over the instant gratification of the bored.

Now that last line will irk some people. Caroline Rose Giuliani, a “sex positive activist,” does not see polyamory as a choice, but “a deep-seated orientation.” In her Vanity Fair article Love, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Polyamory: A Look Under the Covers in Non-monogamy and it’s Burgeoning Civil Rights Battle, she says: “ This way of life is simply how they are wired.” She sees bodily autonomy as a right, and claims 4-5% of the population falls into the non-monogamous category. As a Christian, I believe that God is our creator, and therefore has some say over how we use our bodies. In the biblical worldview, how we are wired is not a great guide for life’s journey, since we are born in sin. In other words, we are all born with faulty wiring of some kind, and if left unattended this wiring can burn our whole house down. We have to let the Master Electrician tear out some drywall and look at what is happening underneath. I’m mixing a lot of metaphors here, but you get my point. Everything is not as it should be, our feeling and urges are not always to be trusted, and if we read the Bible as an editor rather than as a follower, we are not wise, but fools. (Pr 12:15)

In western culture we are seeing the full fruition of the casting off of restraint that was the 1960’s. The devastation is particularly apparent in the dismantling of the cornerstone of civilization, the family. The moral compass has been reoriented towards the self, and not just for the young. Gray divorce rates have doubled since 1990 for those over 55, and tripled for those over 65. We use to go to grandma’s house for cookies; now grandma is Madonna, still trying to dance seductively while clutching onto one of those metal bars seniors have in their bathtub so they don’t slip and break a hip. It is quite sad. 82 year old Martha Stewart still bakes cookies, but she also posts “thirst trap” photos on Instagram. STD rates have doubled in the last ten years, not in college dorms, but in nursing homes. For the first time in history, more babies are born out of wedlock in the USA, than in the protective covering of marriage and the family unit. In the black community, 67% of children are growing up without a father in the home. I don’t have to quote stats on how that plays out in a child’s future success. For all the controversy surrounding privilege in our culture, the truth is that growing up in a two parent household is the biggest single predictor that someone will grow into a functioning, flourishing adult. ( see The Two Parent Privilege by Melissa Kearney) Also turns out, if the parents are male and female, that is even better. It’s almost like the Bible knows more about human nature and relationships than we do. Imagine that.

That brings us to what the Bible actually says about marriage. It is not very complicated, and you won’t need to study hebrew and greek to understand it. “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Gen 2:24) Three minus one, plus one, plus God equals one. That is basic marriage arithmetic right there. Later comes the multiplication part. Not a lot of partners, but a lot of children. Then the process repeats all over again and we call that history and the continuation of the species. If anyone tells you they have a better idea, tell them you are going to have to see the long term data before you believe them. They don’t have a trial with billions of participants that has run for thousands of years. Not satisfied with the Old Testament reference ? Mark 10:6-9 repeats Genesis 2, but adds “ what therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Paul later wrote to the Corinthians: “ But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each wife her own husband.” (1Cor 7:2) The immorality Paul was talking about here was primarily centered around sexuality. They had open relationships in Corinth, but that openness included relationships with demons and false gods. Aphrodite’s temple incorporated prostitution and pornography into its worship services. It would put the red zones of Bangkok to shame. It would make Vegas look like the Bible Belt in comparison. For all the talk of freedom and happiness, Aphrodite is not the marrying kind. She will distort, destroy, and disappoint.

But wait a minute, you say, how can I take marriage advice from Jesus ? He wasn’t even married! Well, here is where it all connects in a rather mind-blowing way. Ephesians chapter five talks about human marriage, but then in verse thirty says: “ This is a profound mystery— but I am talking about Christ and the Church.” The kind of union or oneness that happens in a really good marriage is a picture of what is going to happen at the end of time when Christ returns and marries the Church and we are one with Him forever. Physical union is a foreshadowing of spiritual union. Jesus, the Lamb of God, will get married and there will be a big celebration. We are all invited. “ Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” (Rev 19:9) Rather than casting off restraint, we need to be putting on wedding clothes (see The Parable of the Wedding Banquet, Matthew chapter 22). Rather than being spiritually somnolent, we need to be wide awake ( see The Parable of the Ten Bridesmaids, Matthew chapter 25). The spiritual version of polyamory is polytheism. Monogamy is not monotony. Your partner is so deep that it is going to take a lifetime of exploring to get to the depths of intimacy where the real gold is. Monotheism is not too narrow. God is so high and holy that it is going to take a lifetime of following to get the heights of wisdom you need to understand yourself and reality.

It is not about having more partners, it is about having a deepening passion for the one you have. “ Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” ( Pr 5:18-19) It is not about collecting a panoply of gods, but committing to the one true God, whose love and goodness isn’t expressed in a throuple, but a trinity. “ May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God the Father, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” (2 for 13:14) The prophet Hosea took back his promiscuous wife Gomer as a symbol of God taking back His people, even though they had followed other gods. He is always forgiving and always calling us back, “ so let us cast off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” (Heb 12:1) In terms of marriage, that race is best run with one partner until we cross the ultimate finish line.